At the the beginning of mass...i was feeling alright...great and happy
especially after CFM did a great sketch of Peter Chanel patron saint of New Zealand
Today's gospel reading was
Luke 9:51-62
This passage really struck me and it kinda rhymm
"Foxes have holes,and birds have nests,but the Son of Man has no place to lie down and rest"
Father Chris shared his story
during his time in India he missed the bus...so he had to sleep at d train station over night
then in Spain(i'm not so sure about this)he had to sleep at d apartment corridor
This passage or verse really struck me in terms of joining the missionary
(I'm still discovering myself)
I have many doubts and fear
But the thought of joining d missionary will bring me real joy and love to my life
And then there is also d thought of having a family which i never experience before
The kind of love a dad would give his son or daughter
I want to share my love with the partner of my life
To be able to share my happiness, joy, despair, and hardship together
I really do want to experience this emotion or feeling
I've never really experience being in love with someone yet...
I have this saying
"How can I love someone which I can't see when I cant love someone I can see"
I told someone this before...he replied me by saying
"Well, that is where your faith takes place"
It's actually easier said then done
The bible says
"How can you say that you love Me but you don't love your brother"
(when the bible says "your brother" it meant His creation)
doesn't it has d same meaning as mine??
this doesn't mean that I want to have a relationship so that I can say I love even more God
i'm trying to say that i want to discover myself giving up everything and be a disciple of God
there is a Brother which told me his story who thought him to love God
It was his girlfriend
and his girlfriend was really supportive of him joining the Brotherhood
Father Chris said that
"are you willing to give up everything? Your property, wealth, comfort to follow God?"
and he talk about his challenges of joining the Priesthood
He waited 8 years to be finally being accepted
So when Father Chris finish his homily
I suddenly had this feeling which I can't explain
so i juz follow the mass
When I receive the Eucharist and went back to my place to pray
everything was fine
then I sad down and waited for the other to receive the Communion
suddenly this feeling struck me again
but it was nothing compared to d feeling I first had
It was like this sense of questioning my decision i've taken
It felt like God was asking me
"Why my son. Why don't you trust Me at this time. Wasn't I with you when you needed my help and didnt I answer your pray?"
"Your know this feeling which you are experiencing now. You know that when you proclaim my word you are filled with joy"
During that time...my heart was heavy and beating irregularly and I kept staring at the Crucifix
trying to find the answer to my feelings
it was something like that...its was also like this sense of regret why did I ever have doubts in Jesus Christ.
When He was always there for me when I needed Him most..
But where was I when He need me to proclaim His Good News
I cant really explain this feeling which I had...I hope that those who read this will pray for me..
to not have doubts in the Lord but trust him in everything He has plan for me
